Esquire Theme by Matthew Buchanan
Social icons by Tim van Damme

28

Mar

You’ve Got a Face For Radio

The world said, “WHO?!” when the “stars” for this season’s Dancing with the Stars cast was announced.  Who the hell is Mike Catherwood?  Great question.  It’s one I asked myself.  Mostly annoyed by his made up last name, I Googled to find out who exactly this “star” was.  

A quick search revealed that he is a “radio personality” who guest hosted on Regis and Kelly with Kelly Ripa.  Um, last time I checked a radio personality does not a celebrity make.  As a matter of fact, there’s a little saying about the fine folks who flood our airways with pointless ramblings.  ”You’ve got a face for radio.”  

Granted, “Psycho Mike” (his on air moniker) is more fortunate looking than most of the radio world, but it became clear to me that plenty of radio personalities actually think that they are “famous.”  Let’s clear up a few things: 1. you’re on the RADIO, 2. While yes, Bob down the street in Podunkville, USA might think you are famous, the rest of the world has no idea you exist, 3. you are airtime filler and quite honestly, most of us would rather just listen to music than listen to you lament over your personal problems. Shut up and crank up the tunes.  

That said, you are a radio dj.  You are meant to be heard, not seen.  And most importantly, you’re not that famous. 

Photos courtesy Access Hollywood

02

Mar

Model Behavior

Why is it that every single girl on the planet at one point or another thinks she is a model?  

Unless you are signed with a legitimate agency and are steadily booking jobs, you are not a model!  Having some creepy photographer snap photos of you in your bikini and posting them on your Facebook or Myspace does not a model make.  

"But… but… he shot me for free! I didn’t have to pay for the photos!”  Of course he agreed to shoot you TFP (trade for prints) once you said you were game to shoot in lingerie and partially nude! 

If you’re under 5’8, over 110 lbs, and pushing 25, you don’t really have a future as the next Petra Nemcova.  It’s the sad, sad, awful truth.  

This isn’t America’s Next Top Model.  You’re not fooling anyone with your TFP prints and you, my dear, are not that famous. 

photo courtesy of Glamour Pixels

28

Feb

Fashion Police: Under Arrest

So, there’s lots of chatter about who wore what on the red carpet of the Academy Awards, but my real question is this: who are these “style experts”? Why am I being told what to wear by a woman who looks like an overly suntanned extraterrestrial and a former grunge punk rock wannabe?  Exactly what credentials do these ladies have that give them the right to be the “Fashion Police”? 

I’m so sick of Kelly Osbourne spouting off about what she thinks looks great and holding her tongue when something is gruesome (just because it’s a friend).  Why can’t we ever have “fashion experts” who are actually experts? 

You have no style.  You have no taste.  And it’s so obviously clear… you’re not that famous. 

24

Feb

Back to Reality

The days of quality television (Who’s the Boss, The Cosby Show, Full House, Friends) are long gone.  Instead we are stuck with the gift that keeps on giving.  No, not herpes… well, kinda… I’m talking about reality TV.  Not only does reality TV provide us with brain cell shrinking entertainment, it also gifts us with a whole new crop of “celebrity.”  The reality TV “star.”  

Reality stars are basically people who aren’t talented enough to be actual actors, but are willing to whore themselves out to camera crews in hopes of landing a diet pill deal.  As most of the world is now aware, the majority of “reality” TV isn’t real at all. It’s scripted and there are multiple takes to get the “money shot.”  Situations are created.  Conflicts are manufactured.  And people are depicted how the producers want them to be.  Girls on TV shows have “dream jobs” and live in amazing apartments and have fabulous clothes.

The problem with this is two fold.  For one, girls in Milwaukee or Pottstown are now led to believe that such things are possible.  The second problem is that women who actually bust their asses on a daily basis to earn their money at the job they spent years fetching coffee and faxing vendor agreements at to afford their modest studio apartment are pissed.  It’s insulting to watch someone on TV parade around pretending she’s a buyer or editor or designer.  What about people with real talent?

You’re a reality TV star.  You’re not that fabulous, you’re not that talented and you’re definitely not that famous. 

23

Feb

Written in the Stars

It has become abundantly clear that just about everyone thinks they are famous.  I want to say I blame Paris Hilton for plaguing us with “The Simple Life” thus propelling reality TV to what it is now.  

If you weren’t able to score your very own reality show about flower arranging, teenage pregnancy, or drag queens, you probably have your own blog.  Who doesn’t have a blog?  Now, let’s just clarify.  There are some people who truly have a passion for a particular topic or just really enjoy writing.  These bloggers do more than just post pictures of themselves in different outfits and brag about what party they crashed attended that evening.  These people probably also have real jobs.  

I’m talking about the blogs of individuals who really and truly believe they can “write their way famous.”   Well, I have news:  you’re not the next Carrie Bradshaw and this is not an episode of Sex and the City. While you have actually built an audience of those who love to hate you loyal readers, you don’t have anything intelligent to say.  So, you steal other people’s blog entries to score yourself free hair extensions!! and your very own gay.

If people are just reading your blog to see what moronic statement you will make next, honey, you’re infamous… You’re not that famous. 

21

Feb

Re: Come See My Show

Ever have a “friend” or acquaintance who jacked all of your email addresses for the good of self promoting?  You probably were sending out a birthday invite or perhaps asking around for job openings… something totally normal.  You had no idea you were putting your real friends and colleagues in danger of being poached!  Whoops.  Here’s a tip if you have an email snatcher in your life:  Bcc.  Don’t put your friends in danger.

And for you email poachers, if you have to steal my contacts for the good of your career… well, you’re obviously not that famous.

20

Feb

Are You Famous?

Think you’re famous? Take a few moments to answer these questions:

Do you take twitpic self portraits to prove you got into Soho House?

Do you name drop so we will actually believe you’re friends with Seth Green?

Do you call the paparazzi on yourself? 

Do you think that your show on YouTube will make you a star?

Do you have a Facebook “fan page” for yourself? 

If you answered “yes” to one or more of these questions… You should probably know: You’re not that famous.

Though we are probably shooting ourselves in the feet (doesn’t talking about someone make them that much more famous?), we felt it was important to let you know… You’re not that famous.